When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.