A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]