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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait