things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
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Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Grandmother clock.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.