*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Extremely relatable.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*