Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will