“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Bootstraps
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*