Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up