Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝