Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex