My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..