Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light