5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England