Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps