I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
my dog when i have a friend over
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.