Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You Might Also Like
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*lint rolls you awake*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.