For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
You Might Also Like
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.