Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Did my cat write this
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?