hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Science memes
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.