[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
You Might Also Like
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
It was worth a shot 😂
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?