Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
This did not end as expected.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”