I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.