i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.