Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
You Might Also Like
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night