If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.