Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Oh my God.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Pandas 🐼🖤