[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes