If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I hate when that happens.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”