ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song