My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Air conditioning – not a fan