I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people