It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
favorite tropes as memes
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
crying
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
yeah not falling for this one
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal