Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?