Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…