cat vs inanimate object
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!