ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.