I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”