This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?