DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one