My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Just a friendly reminder!
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.