[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
😜
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
love it when they get my name right
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*