Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding