english majors be like furthermore
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File under excellent bookstore names.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.