Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Every work meeting this week
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.