Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I put the p in pants.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.