Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
You Might Also Like
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.