My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
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You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
What’s a Messi?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.