Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
i鈥檝e got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don鈥檛 remember what we bought the kids. I鈥檓 so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don鈥檛. I want money.
It鈥檚 settled. I鈥檓 measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
All I鈥檓 saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
my mom: don鈥檛 fill up on bread, that鈥檚 how they get you
me: that鈥檚 how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren鈥檛 a real thing
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Wait a minute
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I鈥檓 willing to risk it.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
ACED my prostate exam!
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..