Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?