The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious